Want to feel closer and more intimately connected?
The key is to be more ‘nose to nose’ instead of ‘side by side’!
When we first meet, we tend to be all over our partner, looking at them, smelling them, wanting to eat them all up…Sex is on the table multiple times a day, and we forget all about our other commitments… We are ‘nose to nose’ with our partner constantly and want to be ‘nose to nose’ and nothing else!
As times goes by, long term couples move more into a ‘side by side’ territory. Spending less time together, sitting on opposite ends of the couch, sex drops off the to do list, and it becomes all about managing life side by side.
It is completely normal that the honeymoon (‘nose to nose’) phase doesn’t last. When we first meet, there is a cocktail of hormones that increases in size, which I tend to call the ‘in love’ hormones. Due to the surge of these ‘in love’ hormones we see our partner more positive than they actually are. We tend to think they are absolutely amazing, totally perfect, and we are besotted by them. Sometimes to the point of obsession, which make us want to be ‘nose to nose’ with them all the time.
Unfortunately, this in love phase can’t last, because if we stayed glued to one another, no one would ever get back to work! We simply can’t stay nose to nose forever. It is really just nature’s way of nudging two people together. With familiarity the ‘in love’ hormones tend to decrease, and we start to see our partner for who they really are, faults and all. We then most likely also want to focus on things outside of our partner again. Spend time with friends and family members, hang out with work colleagues, go to work, and play sports. This is healthy, and totally normal.
However, it is also important to recognize when you are losing too much of that special connection. Recognize when you are not that close anymore, and life has now become just all about managing the day to day, not about making each other feel special any longer. Some might feel they are leading parallel lives; they might be living together, but each do their own thing, they go to work separately, see separate friends, eat dinner at different times, and are on their own separate devices in the evening. They aren’t intimate at all anymore and are longing for that deeper connection. Often, they don’t know where to start and it feels a bit daunting to take that first step towards intimacy.
Then there is also technology, which can be driving us even further apart. We aren’t just doing life side by side, but then still doing a similar task. For example, we are watching the same movie side by side, but together. Or we are doing the dishes, side by side but together. No, we now tend to be side by side, doing our own thing! Sitting with our own separate devices, engaging with our own separate content. One might be doing work on their computer, the other might be on their phone browsing social media. Technology can drive even more of a wedge between us.
Want to get that intimate connection back? Feel more connected and a sense of closeness again?
Try to consciously spend more time nose to nose again!
So, what does this look like?
It really means consciously putting your devices down, leaving the big clean-up for later, sometimes saying ‘no’ to those family and/or work commitments, and zoning into your partner, and your partner only!
It is all about being mindful to turn towards them regularly throughout the day, which means actually physically move your nose towards their nose.
The brilliant thing about this is that it doesn’t take up much time. It is not about setting aside hours of your time to go on a romantic date with them. Although this is lovely (and always highly recommended), the nose-to-nose exercise can be applied even when we are busy, and regularly throughout the day! It is all about having multiple small intimate encounters throughout the day.
So, as you wake up next to them, roll over and give them a little kiss on their forehead while saying good morning. Try to give them a passionate kiss regularly throughout the day. Face them more intimately (nose to nose) when having a conversation. Turn towards your partner as they are sitting on that couch, by holding their hand, leaning in while looking into their eyes and ask; ‘how was your day?’. Have dinner without devices near you and stay nose to nose, by looking them in the eye while having a conversation. Remind yourself as you walk next to them to turn nose to nose sometimes, just because. You might give them a little kiss or hug. You will see that straight away you will approach them in a more intimate way…the rest will follow…
If you want to go a bit more full-on and involve your partner in becoming more nose to nose, try uninterrupted eye contact for about 60 seconds. Study each other’s faces, find new lines, look at their beauty…
But the good thing about becoming nose to nose again is that your partner doesn’t even have to know you are consciously doing it. You can start it and they will follow.
Test it out and let me know how you go?
Keep loving!
Des
